I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
