You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
