remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
