dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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