Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
