I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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