I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
