I cannot find my penis.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just found puke in my bra..
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
