Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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