Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You're like the curious george of whores
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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