This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
