I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
