My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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