Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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