My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Randomize
