I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
