Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
