My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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