my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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