no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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