ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
