So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
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Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
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I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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