She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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