My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
