So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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