dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Farmville is her only friend.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
