You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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