So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
