The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
