swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
