Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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