Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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