I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
A bitchslap is in order.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
