Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
