So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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