Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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