so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
