I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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