the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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