This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
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Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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