Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
