i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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