This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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