I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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