You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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