Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
