Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
