Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
