Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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