If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
