I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
