My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
