when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
