He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
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I stole a fireplace last night.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
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i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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