Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
