My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
