I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
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