If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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