You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
