you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
